My way from a Siberian woman to myself

Tomsk oblast, Siberia

At the age of 17, I was a cheerful green-eyed girl dreaming of my own family and a cozy home. I thought my whole life was ahead of me.

At 18, I got married with the firm belief that my husband is older, and therefore smarter.

At the age of 19, I realized what Mtsyri (in Georgian, Novice in English) meant when he said: “Oh, I would be happy to hug with the storm like a brother”. I stopped being afraid of the thunder. It became the personification of freedom for me.

The Novice (Mtsyri, in Georgian, Мцыри in Russian) is a poem by Mikhail Lermontov written in 1839 and first published in 1840, hailed as “one of the last examples of the classic Russian romantic poetry,” according to the Lermontov Encyclopedia.

Also, I stopped smiling. I was always serious and focused – all the chores around a house were mine. I had to learn to plan much in advance, make lists, and analyze. I also learned how to cheat, flatter, and even read minds. And despite all that, I wasn't a good enough wife. My husband planted the seeds of inferiority in me. And they became to sprout.

At the age of 34, I worked in the office for a little bit. Once there was a hitch with the copier. One of the colleagues joked: “Did you get afraid that you broke the copy machine?”. I burst out: “I’ve been married for so many years that I’m not afraid of anything!”. My colleague was shocked, and so was I. Can you imagine, lucky marriage, 17-year-old girl has dreamed about, has turned into a harsh school of life.

Soon after, the process of healing from the inferiority complex began. Life became easier, more fun and more interesting. I began to think not about the meaning of life, as it often happens, but about its quality. I understood that there is only one life. And only I am the mistress of my destiny. I’ve created a dream and a plan of action. The implementation of the plan required an incredible emotional effort. But I’ve “graduated” from the “harsh school of life”. So, my dream came true!

In my 40-es I wrote to a friend: “Natasha, my dream came true. How can I live now?”. She replied: “Do not worry, you will come up with a new one!»

Morality: an inferiority complex is not death but the engine. The most important thing is to create your dream the correct way (with details and minutiae). If you don’t want to end up like me – I moved to live in America instead of Finland as I wished.

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